Tomorrowland

Why does Bobby Jindal hate high-speed rail so much? You could go from Las Vegas to Disneyland in a metal tube—like hella fast and stuff. Jindal likes to call this "a magnetic levitation line." Imagine! As if this were Tomorrowland or somesuch!

BUT ANYWAY YOU DICKS, it is okay to look into the future occasionally! It's true! Technology is often times helpful and advantageous. And if you hate the future so much, HERE IS YOUR TELEGRAM, SIR. Can I offer you a seat next to the gramophone? YOU DROPPED YOUR EAR TRUMPET, BOBBY JINDAL.

You can't just pick and choose which technology is helpful (internet) and which ones are witchcraft (light bulbs).

Alright, if anyone needs me I'll be snuggling with this robot and killing small vermin with my laser eyeball.

Body Massage

"Would it be possible for me to send you some information about our extra-curricular programs that provide training to children who are interested in massaging dogs?"



"What?"

"We're a member of the International Association of Animal Massage & Bodywork. The PetMassage for Kids™ program teaches children the basic hands-on skills of canine massage. They learn the basic handling, touching, holding, stroking, and other PetMassage techniques with their stuffed dogs. Confidence in their new abilities grows while important psycho-social skills develop naturally."

"Please send me more information immediately."

The Cragg

"Look at Tommy Lee Jones's face in this. It's the Aggro Crag. He's Daniel Cragg."

"I know. He's Cragg T. Nelson. He's Larry Cragg."

Cthulhu

"Looking at her grotesque body is as though my eyes have peered on the great, horrifying Cthulhu and now for the rest of eternity I will be tormented in my dreams until he takes my soul to serve him in his lair."

Your Head is Full of Dreams

So I have this friend whose brain is The Encyclopedia of Dog Breeds. We have been known to TiVO dog shows and we may or may not have attended a dog show together, for real, in actual life.

I found myself watching a re-run of the 2008 Westminster Dog Show, or whatever. Every year some absurd poodle wins. But poodles were stuffed in their face in 2008, when an actual gremlin came away with Best in Show. All nine people in the audience were shocked and delighted.

"Friend, what is the name of the dog breed whose eyeballs are the same height as its mouth? They are earth's grumpiest mammal? They look like this."



"Oh, you mean a Brussels Griffon?


Savor your victory BG. The poodles will not forget you.

I'm Just Not That Into Listening to Dummies Laugh at Foolish Garbage

This is a whole new era for rom-coms! This ain't your pappy's When Harry Met Sally! Dispatching sage advice for all the fine ladies out who are going to have their tiny minds exploded. KAPOW Hollywood! Because the point of this movie, you see, is for ladies to recognize douchebaggery and then steer clear of it.

"Oh, hey, it's me! Lead character and least likeable person ever Gigi. Boy, I sure could use a boyfriend! I will obsess with every human male I spy. Literally spy. I will spy on them. What? No, I'm not following you! I'm always shopping at Rochester Big and Tall!"

"Hey Gigi, it's me, Romantic Lead. I know, I'm not particularly attractive so it seems weird that I am rejecting you. But I will teach you how to recognize douchey behavior and tell you whom to date and whom not to date. You will mistake my advice giving for romantic overtures, which for some reason enrages me even though I've basically been touching your butt for the last hour or so."

"Romantic Lead! What I, Gigi, truly crave is attention, so this is great! I shall jump upon you after a party and you shall reject me. Oops! But then I will learn a Very Important Lesson, which is that some dudes are douchebags and I should avoid dating them."

"Great news, Gigi! I, Romantic Lead, have Changed My Ways so now we can date! This scene is the antithesis of the rest of the movie!"

"Hip Hop Hooray for us! Let us be wed!"

Then the old man grizzly Kris Kristofferson pokes his head out of his Kristoffercave and everything is OK for a minute and then we all go back to hating the movie and ourselves.