Sunday, November 30, 2008

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


Let me get this straight. You were fat. You were also black. Then you took some sketchy internet drug and now you are marginally less fat and also WHITE? Holy shit do NOT take that sketchy internet drug.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

November 11, 1992

In 1992, after Bill Clinton was elected President of the United States, my fifth grade teacher made the whole class write letters of congratulation to him. Clearly she was a communist.

Anyway, my classmates and I used our best penmanship to express our hopes for the future under President Clinton. Oddly enough, none of us had the foresight to write about maybe not eliminating welfare for the poorest Americans, so you can blame us for that.

Here is my ten year old self being a policy wonk:

Dear President-elect Clinton,

This is what I expect of you as President (just a few reasons):

I would like you to work especially hard on the economy. I live in Seattle, Washington and the loggers are losing jobs. I am NOT saying people are more important than saving endangered species like the spotted owl.

I would also like for you to send more troops out to Florida to help people build their homes.

Now I guess I will tell you about myself before I go on. My name is Meagan and I am ten years old, and my birthday is on June 10.

My parents voted for you. If I could vote I would vote for you, too.

Okay, back to what I expect of you. I want you to help fight crime and to stop the sale and use of illegal drugs.

I really hope you will write back to me. (My address is on the bottom of the page.)


P.S. When is your birthday?

As you can see I have clear policy ideas as outlined in my desire to create jobs for loggers without murdering any owls AND my birthday is on June 10 AND apparently I hate illegal drugs! YOU'RE WELCOME BILL CLINTON.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

So awesome, right?

While it is assumed Palin voted for herself, she did not say whether she voted for Sen. Ted Stevens, who was convicted last week of ethics violations for accepting gifts, and Rep. Don Young, who is under investigation by the FBI.

"I am also exercising my right to privacy and I don't have to tell anybody who I vote for, nobody does, and that's really cool about America also," she said.

I'm gonna miss you, girl.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

His Spine Shrank

I was in a celebratory mood last night so I went and did something I never do. That is to say, I left my house and saw a movie on its opening weekend. Clint Eastwood's Changeling. Here is my review.

First of all ladies, it's important to remember that if you get a full time job in the 1920s, your son will get kidnapped, and probably murdered by a weirdo and that weirdo's cousin. Every lady in the 1920s was a ghost, incidentally.

Also, the corrupt police will most likely trick you into thinking that some other white child is your white child. But he isn't.

An Irish cop will institutionalize you for questioning him and then you will become friends with an institutionalized prostitute. Sometimes she says funny things, but then all of a sudden she is not in the movie anymore.

If you're Clint Eastwood, the last thing you will want to do is allow this movie to end. It's best to keep it going on for hours, if not days.

Oh, sorry single mom. It looks like you will not see that baby, your son, again. That is because he was hella murdered or something in a chicken coop.

Or was he? You are a woman, so you are not very smart. You do not understand most of the things that happen to you.

Then everyone gets fired.

The end.

Psych, the movie is not over yet.

Yes it is!

No it isn't, because this is how we will end it, if we are Clint Eastwood:

"He just gave me something I never had before."
"What's that?"