Idiot Bear

Today was parte deux of the Seattle Kennel Club's all breed shows at the Qwest Event Center. Of course I went, with—who else—the the fucking Encyclopedia of Dog Breeds.

It was great, duh, and there were sample dogs all over the place whose little heads were available for scratching.

But the King of the Dog Show was this...thing. This idiot son of a retarded stuffed bear:


Video here.

Fluffy diagonal butts are not breed standard, sir.

Tomorrowland

Why does Bobby Jindal hate high-speed rail so much? You could go from Las Vegas to Disneyland in a metal tube—like hella fast and stuff. Jindal likes to call this "a magnetic levitation line." Imagine! As if this were Tomorrowland or somesuch!

BUT ANYWAY YOU DICKS, it is okay to look into the future occasionally! It's true! Technology is often times helpful and advantageous. And if you hate the future so much, HERE IS YOUR TELEGRAM, SIR. Can I offer you a seat next to the gramophone? YOU DROPPED YOUR EAR TRUMPET, BOBBY JINDAL.

You can't just pick and choose which technology is helpful (internet) and which ones are witchcraft (light bulbs).

Alright, if anyone needs me I'll be snuggling with this robot and killing small vermin with my laser eyeball.

Body Massage

"Would it be possible for me to send you some information about our extra-curricular programs that provide training to children who are interested in massaging dogs?"



"What?"

"We're a member of the International Association of Animal Massage & Bodywork. The PetMassage for Kids™ program teaches children the basic hands-on skills of canine massage. They learn the basic handling, touching, holding, stroking, and other PetMassage techniques with their stuffed dogs. Confidence in their new abilities grows while important psycho-social skills develop naturally."

"Please send me more information immediately."

The Cragg

"Look at Tommy Lee Jones's face in this. It's the Aggro Crag. He's Daniel Cragg."

"I know. He's Cragg T. Nelson. He's Larry Cragg."

Cthulhu

"Looking at her grotesque body is as though my eyes have peered on the great, horrifying Cthulhu and now for the rest of eternity I will be tormented in my dreams until he takes my soul to serve him in his lair."

Your Head is Full of Dreams

So I have this friend whose brain is The Encyclopedia of Dog Breeds. We have been known to TiVO dog shows and we may or may not have attended a dog show together, for real, in actual life.

I found myself watching a re-run of the 2008 Westminster Dog Show, or whatever. Every year some absurd poodle wins. But poodles were stuffed in their face in 2008, when an actual gremlin came away with Best in Show. All nine people in the audience were shocked and delighted.

"Friend, what is the name of the dog breed whose eyeballs are the same height as its mouth? They are earth's grumpiest mammal? They look like this."



"Oh, you mean a Brussels Griffon?


Savor your victory BG. The poodles will not forget you.

I'm Just Not That Into Listening to Dummies Laugh at Foolish Garbage

This is a whole new era for rom-coms! This ain't your pappy's When Harry Met Sally! Dispatching sage advice for all the fine ladies out who are going to have their tiny minds exploded. KAPOW Hollywood! Because the point of this movie, you see, is for ladies to recognize douchebaggery and then steer clear of it.

"Oh, hey, it's me! Lead character and least likeable person ever Gigi. Boy, I sure could use a boyfriend! I will obsess with every human male I spy. Literally spy. I will spy on them. What? No, I'm not following you! I'm always shopping at Rochester Big and Tall!"

"Hey Gigi, it's me, Romantic Lead. I know, I'm not particularly attractive so it seems weird that I am rejecting you. But I will teach you how to recognize douchey behavior and tell you whom to date and whom not to date. You will mistake my advice giving for romantic overtures, which for some reason enrages me even though I've basically been touching your butt for the last hour or so."

"Romantic Lead! What I, Gigi, truly crave is attention, so this is great! I shall jump upon you after a party and you shall reject me. Oops! But then I will learn a Very Important Lesson, which is that some dudes are douchebags and I should avoid dating them."

"Great news, Gigi! I, Romantic Lead, have Changed My Ways so now we can date! This scene is the antithesis of the rest of the movie!"

"Hip Hop Hooray for us! Let us be wed!"

Then the old man grizzly Kris Kristofferson pokes his head out of his Kristoffercave and everything is OK for a minute and then we all go back to hating the movie and ourselves.

Extraordinarily Bad Timing

Four years ago I was contemplating my extreme dislike of John Travolta. The man is a fucking menace to cinema and an assault on the eyeballs. Admit it. Anyway I really felt like I needed to share these feelings with strangers on the internet, so I started an anti-Travolta group on MySpace.

There some to be some renewed "interest" in the group now that a terrible tragedy has befallen Travolta and his family.

From: Audrey

just to let u know i dont even know u but i hate u so much!!!! HOW DARE U DISS MY MAN JOHN TRAVOLTA ARE U LIKE RETARDED OR SOMETHING HE IS THE COOLEST GUY ON EARTH I LOVE HIM SO MUCH HE IS SUCH A GOOD IDOL WHAT THE HELL DID HE EVER DO TO U?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

PS. oh ya and by the way u shouldnt be talking bc ur picture is SO FUGLY i almost threw up like looking at it!!!

good day to u!!!

To answer your question, "ARE U LIKE RETARDED OR SOMETHING," which I can only assume is a question despite the lack of proper punctuation, yes. I am retarded.

I was born with Down Syndrome, which makes it difficult for me to function on a day-to-day basis. The only thing I am truly good at is creating anti-John Travolta groups and forcing other retarded people to join.

Now to answer your next "question": "WHAT THE HELL DID HE EVER DO TO U?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

Perhaps if you knew how to read, you would see clearly posted in my manifesto all the ways in which Travolta has offended me personally.

As for my picture being fugly, I should hope you aren't speaking in a derogatory manner about my mongoloid features. What with my Down syndrome, there's really nothing I can do about that, other than hope that my fellow MySpacers have the foresight and compassion not to mention it.

Sincerely,
Meagan

From: Audrey

im sry..i really am its just u hurt me so bad saying what a bad guy he is bc i met him and he quite a very good person and he tries really hard to help alot of people.

~audrey

im so sry for calling u retarded i didnt know. i didnt meen it personally though i ment it in the being stupid for not liking john

Stunning.

Adorable; Kapow

During the election, a precious fucking child named Damon Weaver became BFFs hardcore with Joe Biden. They "literally" are best friends, for the rest of time.

Then Damon Weaver did something even cuter:



Damon Weaver did this because he wants me to start crying a bunch. You may consider your mission accomplished.

Anyway, wish granted, Damon Weaver! NOW YOU GET TO BE HISTORICAL PALS WITH OBAMA AT THE INAUGURATION, IN YOUR FACE AMERICA.

Alert

Ugh, what happened? The frostbite infected my brain and I ingested too much cheese foods and my brain wouldn't craft thoughts.

Anyway:

Melissa to me
Subject: DENIM OVERCOAT ALERT

I REPEAT-there is a denim overcoat alert in the Chicago area. The victim was spotted at the Monroe train stop wearing a light blue denim overcoat-to the knees. Use caution around this area.

Meagan to Melissa
Subject: Re: DENIM OVERCOAT ALERT

OMG---please tell me it was Britney and Justin circa 1999!!!

Melissa Gill to me
Subject: Re: DENIM OVERCOAT ALERT

No man, it wasn't an EPIC denim overcoat, it was a "I'm gonna molest all your children wearing nothing but this" kind of coat.

Like this, but longer, and LIGHTER.