Special Guest Blogger: Criss Angel

Hey America. It's me, Criss Angel. Listen up. I freak minds—for a living. I see your mind hasn't been freaked yet. Well, check this out. That's right, America. I just made an endangered species disappear. Which one? Ever heard of the polar bear? I didn't think so.

Listen, I'm no johnny-come-lately to the mind-freaking game, okay? This isn't child's play, this is real life. Real mind-freaking life.

Oh, what am I doing now? Just walking on water. While hanging on meat hooks.

Is your mind freaked yet? An unfreaked mind is a terrible thing to waste—so freak it.

I'm not like a normal, lame magician you guys. I'm Criss Angel: Mind Freak. You know I'm different from David Copperfield because I wear women's jewelry and eyeliner. And foundation. Oh, I almost forgot to mention my totally awesome, not gay metal band, Angeldust. Get it? My name is Criss Angel. You'll know it's me, because I'll be the one in the Luxor lobby wearing a t-shirt with my own name on it.

I mean, I feel bad for all you losers who haven't had your minds freaked yet. Your lives must be so empty with your regular minds that have yet to be freaked by my illusionary prowess. Watch, watch, watch! I'm going to walk through what you thought was a solid door. Watch! Come over here. Take off my sock. Take it off!

What? That illusion didn't freak your mind? HOW COULD YOUR MIND NOT BE FREAKED YET?

Listen, I don't need you, okay? I've freaked the minds of millions of people, including celebrities. Ever heard of Carrot Top? Yeah, I freaked his mind. Why don't you try Gene Simmons on for size? His mind has been freaked. By me. Criss Angel. Mind Freak.

Bomb Sniffing Dog

This weekend I found myself waiting in line to board the Bremerton ferry. The Washington State Ferry system apparently employs bomb-sniffing dogs to prevent any sort of like-9/11-except-on-a-boat style of attack. But I was a little distressed to see that the dog assigned to our ferry wasn't a German shepherd, no. It was fucking Old Yeller:



Um, that is the least ferocious bomb-sniffing dog of all time. I've got bad news for you ferry system. That's not a bomb-sniffing dog, that's a cuddle-sniffing dog. He is trained to find anthrax, but all he can find is hugs! His search came up empty—unless you count that cache of snuggles that he found.

It depends on what the definition of "hat" is.

I got hollered at on my way to the bus stop yesterday morning. A drunken hobo yelled, "Hello, girl. You gotta nice HAT." It wasn't really offensive, except for the environment, where the hobo was depositing his beer cans.

Unless by "hat" he meant "titties." Then it would be offensive.

Meags and Adam Get Gay With Pets

This week's edition of Meags and Adam Get Gay With Pets features some of teh gayezt shit you ever saw.


Here I am getting gay with Bunnicula. I REQUIRE THE BLOOD OF 1000 BEETS!


Not to be outdone, Hank and Adam got totes homo gay faggo-tron to the max. It was so gay that Hank screamed with rage.

08.08.08

Eight is a lucky number in Chinese culture, apparently. The Olympics Opening Ceremony is tonight. China makes me nervous. I don't like that China owns 24% of the United States' treasury notes. I don't like that dirt cloud that they've created over south Asia.

In any event, that won't stop us from reporting all the excitement live from China, right Today show??

Ann Curry just said, "If you're Chinese, and over a billion people are, then today could be the most fortuitous Friday in 100 years."



She could be talking to you! Were you aware that over a billion of all humans are Chinese?!

Fucking stupid retarded dumb asshole Ann Curry.

Have you ever seen anything like this before?

You may have heard about the bus decapitation that took place earlier in the week. If not, you are so lucky.

Lindy: dear canadian bus

me: UMMMNMOOWENOENOENOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

no thank you

Lindy: THAT IS THE EXTENT OF MY QUESTION

me: NO THANK YOU

Lindy: W

T

F

that story ruined my life

me: well

they talked to some canadian about it on CNN

and he was SO CALM

Lindy: I WATCHED IT

I WATCHED THAT SHIT I THINK

i watched some canadian talk about it

me: "yes, and then he carried the head off the bus and dropped it on the ground"

Lindy: yes

me: OH REALLY

DID HE

Lindy: OH

OKAY

me: DID HE JUST CARRY THE HEAD OFF THE BUS

AND THEN DROP IT ON THE GROUND?

CAN HE CARRY THIS URINE OUT OF MY PANTS ALSO?

CAN HE?

Lindy: on the one i watched, the interviewer was like "had you ever seen anything like this before?"

and the dude was like, "ummm, have i ever watched anyone get decapitated before? NO!"

OF COURSE NOT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

me: GET OUT OF HERE

PLEASE

SOMEONE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE FECES IN MY UNDAPANTZ

Lindy: DEEZ UNDAPAYANTZ R FECEZ'D NOW

That is journalism. For you.

Just for the records

I have really been enjoying the Seattle Municipal Archives' photostream on Flickr the last few days. There's something about looking at old pictures of the city you have inhabited for your entire life that is unmatched. It's kind of like looking at baby pictures of your granny.

One of my favorite entries (so far, anyway), other than the hippest ladies I have ever seen, is this letter from Dixie Emerson:



The text reads:

Dear Sirs:

I am writing this letter to tell you why I think Elvis Presley should be allowed to come to Seattle. I know you don't want him because you think the teenagers of Seattle will start a riot. Well I'd like to ask you a few questions on that subject.

1. Are we the kids in the other towns? No we are not. Sure there are a few rowdy kids in every bunch but the majority are O.K.

2. Then why are you afraid we'll start something? Also just for the records Elvis has stopped kids in other towns by saying "sit down or the shows over." It stopped other teenagers and would would work on us too because no one would want to be the cause of canceling a show.

Elvis would probably be a real nice person if people would give him a chance. Everyone treats him like something from outer space is it a wonder he's misunderstood. After all what do you expect if people always say he's no good. How do they know? Have they met him? Talked to him?

If people would just stop looking at the few poor points of a person and concentrate on the good ones this world would be a much better place to live in.

As Julia Carney said her her poem 'Little Things,'
Little drops of water,
Little grains of sand,
Make the mighty ocean
And the pleasant land...
Little deeds of kindness,
Little words of love,
Help to make earth happy
Like the heaven above.

Sincerely yours, Dixie Emerson (Age 14) and a member of the Greater Seattle Elvis Presley Fan Club & a student at Sylvester J.H.

I googled Dixie with no luck.