Friday, May 30, 2008

Winning Over the All-Important Methuselah Demographic

Good news, America! It's time for the veepstakes!

I was watching CNN the other day and the anchors were debating the merits of potential Vice Presidential candidates for McCain. One anchor observed, "He should pick someone young to balance out the ticket."

"Oh, so he shouldn't pick Father Time as his running mate?" I wondered.

"He should pick Baby New Year," said my companion.

"I think Baby New Year is too young to be Vice President, plus he's not even registered to vote," I countered.

"But it's the perfect bait and switch," said Companion. "By the end of 2009, Baby New Year will be Father Time."


McCain/Baby New Year in '08!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

"You know how much I love a) dog tricks and b) rape, therefore...enjoy"

I was going to post this video that Leah sent me and then I found out that people don't like when you post something on the internet that has already been posted on the internet.

So, if it's all the same to you, I'd like to just post this pic of Tom Skerritt:

A river runs through you, Granddad.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Grandma H

I hosted Mother's Day brunch at my house today. An Indiana Jones marathon was on (remember Harrison Ford, by the way?). During the scene in Temple of Doom in which Harrison Ford seduces Kate Capshaw, my grandmother began yelling, "They're going to end up in bed! Take off your clothes! TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES!"

This made everyone uncomfortable.

It also reminded me of the time that we watched The Jacksons: An American Dream together. My brother and I found the scene in which Joe Jackson maliciously murders Michael's pet mouse (and proclaims "Yeah, we got him. We got him good!") particularly hilarious. My grandmother was inexplicably enraged at our enjoyment of this movie. She began to yell at us. "WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING? THIS IS YOUR HISTORY! THESE ARE YOUR ANCESTORS!"

This was news to my brother and me.

Happy Mother's Day!

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

"As an official celebrity, I know my endorsement has just made your mind up for you."

As hard as I try, I know I'll never be as funny as US Weekly: "Tom Hanks has joined the ranks of Oprah Winfrey—and Heidi Montag—in making a public endorsement for president." Finally, after years of hard work, Tom Hanks's name can be mentioned favorably along side Heidi Montag.


Did I ever say anything untoward about Hanks? Because if I did, I'm taking it back. I'm taking it ALL back.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

"Hello, Neil Diamond. I like your hair."

Can't I just live the rest of my life believing that that's what Johnny Cash says at the beginning of this video? Even though it obviously isn't?

Although, I guess "I like Neil Diamond's hair" is basically implied in everything everyone ever says ever. But still.

Dear Baby,

Hey little blog baby. Well, it's me. Your dad. If you're reading this letter, congratulations! It means I finally decided that I love you. I know I haven't been around that much since you were born. I know I spent so much money on fresh kicks and Neil Diamond tickets that you had to go to school wearing a barrel with suspenders attached and eat one bean with a knife and fork. I'm really sorry about that. I left most of the parenting up to your mom, and she did a great job. She's a great lady, your mom. But I just want you to know, baby, from the bottom of my heart, that taking care of a baby is women's work. Do I look like a woman to you? I know you don't know, because you're a baby, and also you're a blog so you don't technically have eyeballs or consciousness. But I'm all man. And now I'm ready to man up and make you, my baby blog, #3 on my priority list. Right below Fantasy Football and Jessica Alba's butt. And pizza. So #4. You'll always be my #4, baby. Never forget that.

Your dad,
Ronald Himmelhaver


Monday, May 5, 2008

Si Se Puede!

I try to read actual novels that stimulate the mind, but what's the point? Who am I kidding? I am never going to finish Empire. So instead, I read US Weekly.

Have you noticed how good Madonna looks? Like, kind of too muscular, and in a gross way, but still, like totally hot? Like Wolf from American Gladiators? Sexy!


At this point, I'm sure you're wondering to yourself, "But how do I get massive guns and man hands just like Madonna's?" Fortunately, US Weekly has provided diet advice from Madonna's personal trainer, which they assure me is perfectly safe:

Two pounds a week is the typically advised weight loss, but pro Tracy Anderson says she has worked out a way to safely shed even faster!

This short-term diet "ensures you lose between 3 and 5 pounds a week," says Anderson. The diet bans processed food, dairy and all spices ("They’re bloating and upset your digestive system, which causes you to store fat"), oil and sauces ("They’re just added calories"), discourages drinking alcohol or caffeine (sip 1.5 to 3 liters of water daily instead) and prescribes one serving of whole-grain carbs a day. Once you're at your target weight, adopt a healthy but less restrictive diet.

This is groundbreaking! All I have to do is eat less--and exercise more! Let's see a sample menu:

1 cup Kashi cereal, with ½ cup plain — or vanilla — nonfat rice milk
3 oz grilled chicken breast — or fresh turkey breast (no deli meat!) — with ½ cup each of chopped cucumber and tomatoes
1 cup mixed berries (try raspberries, blackberries and blueberries)
1 cup organic pasta with ½ cup steamed spinach

Come on, ladies! Let's all embrace Ana! Africa does every day!!