Here's my dad's response. Seriously.
Dear Liberal Young Person:
Gay marriage is evil.
Using marijuana is evil under all circumstances—use alcohol like the rest of us. May I recommend Vodka?
Cindy McCain has a lot of pain due to her glamorous hair style and having to have heterosexual relations with a fossil—thankfully they’re married (even though it got off to an adulterous start, more pills please). Stealing from a charity is an oxymoron since: a) everything they have is donated; and, b) they give everything away anyway so WTF?
Shut up and read your Bible, if you can read. Repent while ye may.
Holier than thou,