Hey America. It's me, Criss Angel. Listen up. I freak minds—for a living. I see your mind hasn't been freaked yet. Well, check this out. That's right, America. I just made an endangered species disappear. Which one? Ever heard of the polar bear? I didn't think so.
Listen, I'm no johnny-come-lately to the mind-freaking game, okay? This isn't child's play, this is real life. Real mind-freaking life.
Oh, what am I doing now? Just walking on water. While hanging on meat hooks.
Is your mind freaked yet? An unfreaked mind is a terrible thing to waste—so freak it.
I'm not like a normal, lame magician you guys. I'm Criss Angel: Mind Freak. You know I'm different from David Copperfield because I wear women's jewelry and eyeliner. And foundation. Oh, I almost forgot to mention my totally awesome, not gay metal band, Angeldust. Get it? My name is Criss Angel. You'll know it's me, because I'll be the one in the Luxor lobby wearing a t-shirt with my own name on it.
I mean, I feel bad for all you losers who haven't had your minds freaked yet. Your lives must be so empty with your regular minds that have yet to be freaked by my illusionary prowess. Watch, watch, watch! I'm going to walk through what you thought was a solid door. Watch! Come over here. Take off my sock. Take it off!
What? That illusion didn't freak your mind? HOW COULD YOUR MIND NOT BE FREAKED YET?
Listen, I don't need you, okay? I've freaked the minds of millions of people, including celebrities. Ever heard of Carrot Top? Yeah, I freaked his mind. Why don't you try Gene Simmons on for size? His mind has been freaked. By me. Criss Angel. Mind Freak.