Western Union

I'm so freaked out about this election. I want to die every time I think about it. Recently I've been trying to assuage my own fears by getting some perspective on the most hilarious moments of the campaign thus far. For example:

A messenger delivered a handwritten note from McCain to Obama’s Chicago offices inviting the Democratic presidential nominee to a series of Goldwater-Kennedy-style debates. Bill Burton, an aide to Obama, told the messenger, "You know, you could have just emailed this."

A messenger! A hand-written note! Did he arrive on horseback? Covered wagon? Did he ask Orville Wright to take it to Chicago on his crazy flying contraption? The only thing that could make this story any better is if you exchanged the word "messenger" with "carrier pigeon" or "Goldwater-Kennedy" with "Pterodactyl-Brontosaurus."

I shouldn't worry. Surely your average American won't vote for a man that died twelve years ago. I mean, Weekend at Bernies was funny and all, but do you really want Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman to puppeteer the president at state dinners?